We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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