from now on my penis is your penis
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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