I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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