I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
