Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
