i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
