Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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