I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
