Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
