Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
