I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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