tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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