Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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