He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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