I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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