lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
