toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's never too late to be topless.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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