Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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