i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
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I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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