I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The police scanner is talking about you again....
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
