I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
