Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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