sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
