im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Randomize
