Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i came on her dog
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
