Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
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I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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