her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm having to shit out rocks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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