Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
