I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Randomize
