My pussy is not your playground.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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