Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
