So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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