I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
