Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
