Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
