Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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