Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
