When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
