My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
