you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
