Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
