Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
