Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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