i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
