not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
barbara walters just said penis...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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