we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
