did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
