Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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