Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
