I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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