I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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