theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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