i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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