I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
