I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You pole danced in your parka.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
