Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
