Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
