do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
