last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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