Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
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6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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