You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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