I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
